Little Blessings

I'm so thankful for friends who love and encourage me at all times in life. In the good times and bad, I am blessed with Godly friends who love me. It gives me hope that things are going to get better.

Today I had a chance to be reminded of that. I met with a friend during my lunch, and she took time out of her day to go over what it would take to get me on a budget. She told me what I need to do, how I need to do it, and that she's there to help me while I do it. She listened while I shared my heart about how I suck at this. She listened while I shared how God and I are doing. She shared with me some things that she's been going through. She shared with me how God has used being on a budget in her life. She opened her heart to me and for that I am blessed. I left to go back to work thinking... "Lord... I am so blessed. Thank you for that. I don't deserve it, yet you still do it."

Isn't it amazing how God gives us things we don't deserve. I look at areas in my life... things I struggle with... and some-days I don't think I can make it through another day. And then I have a day like today where I am able to see a blessing from God in my life right now. Those moments shine through the dark ones. I need these moments. I cling to them right now. They give me that hope.

This friend today reminded me that it's not God that I'm fighting. We're fighting against satan... the ruler of the darkness. I think I need to look at what I'm going through at God at work in my life... and this is me fighting satan. Because if I don't work on these areas... i'm giving satan control, not God... and that's the last thing I want. I may be struggling with my desires of the things of Christ, but in my heart, I know my desire is to follow God and be in His will.

I am blessed.

It's Been a While

So it's been a while since I've written. Work has been CRAZY... Life has been CRAZY... It's hard for me to sit down and not just want to crash when I get home everyday. Spiritually I'm not doing so great. I actually had a good talk with God about why I'm feeling this way about Christmas and Life and my parent's moving and stuff. I've been emotional for a while about this all... and honestly haven't really had a desire for the things of God like I want or need to. I know better, but it's been a phase i've been going through and I haven't known how to change it. I still don't really know how, but i see things moving up. I'm not exactly sure where God is in it right now... but I talked to Him tonight for the first time in a while... and that's a step in the right direction right? I sure hope so.

I'm ready for this holiday season to be over. My job makes the Holiday's not so fun... so needless to say I'm ready for a break.

I realize that no one will really read this until I let people know about it... but I still want to put some stuff on here about me... so here goes:

i love to laugh
i love to spend time with my friends
i am blessed with amazing parents
i love my sister and would do ANYTHING for her
i love musicals
i love The Office
i secretly want to be a gilmore girl
spring is my favorite season
my life's desire is to be a wife and mom
i'm thankful for my job, but hate that it is so stressful
i love crash
i hate ironing
sometimes i snort when i laugh... embarrassing
when i love people, i love them with my whole heart
i'm a big dork and am ok with it
i hate secrets
when i was younger i wanted to sing and be famous
i love to travel
i have a heart for missions, but am struggling to see it right now
i suck at keeping in touch with people
i can't wait to meet the man God has in store for me
i love God with ALL my heart


That's me. I'll try to do better with this thing. I really love reading other peoples, and I think it'll be easier when I know people are reading it.

Anyways... I'm sleepy and cranky. I need my bed!!!!

Me vs. Texas

So I'm not the biggest fan of the State of Texas right now. My parents have moved there, God called them there, but I hate it! I can't be mad at them, and I can't be mad at God, so the only thing I have to put my anger into is Texas. Now I know this really isn't fair to Texas, it's just a state, but still... I don't like it.

My parents have just sold their house and are back in NC for a few days to pack everything up and move EVERYTHING they own to Texas. My sister and I are headed down tonight just to have the day with them tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous about this time... seeing that our last departure involved A LOT of tears on all ends. I think I cried myself to sleep for a week. I know, I'm an adult, but I love my parents. I am blessed to have such great ones. They are AMAZING and I can't wait to see them in a few hours. YAY!

I'm sure I'll have some emotional stuff to deal with on here in a couple of days. But for now... I LOVE NORTH CAROLINA!!!!!

Careers

wow... that was a lot... but I keep thinking of things to write about. (Man I love doing this. It's so good for me!)

I've learned something about myself this week. I've known it for a while, but didn't realize it until this week. I'm not a career person. I'm not. It's not in me, it's not a part of who I am.

I've got a friend who doesn't want to have kids... she doesn't want to be a homemaker... she wants her career. And that's cool for her.. but NOT for me!

The funny thing is... I've got a career right now. I've got to work to make a living. I don't have a husband to take care of. I've got the house (or apartment) but I can't not work and survive.

But my job is in marketing. And the people around me are all "career" people. It's not me. It's cool for right now... but I can't wait for the day when I'm able to be who God made me to be! I may not know exactly what that is... but I'm discovering more and more of it everyday.

I think this is all I've got in me for now. No... actually I'm sure there is more I could write about, but I'm going to stop. I am thinking though of letting people know about this blog. My friends and family I mean. As far as I can tell no one reads it except for me... and I write in it like I'm talking to people. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a crazy person. Who knows.

Trusting the Lord

Sometimes it is so hard for me to trust the Lord. Actually, as I'm writing this... I see that this is something I struggle with. I was going to say that it varies with different issues in life, but as I looked at the different issues in my life... I'm struggling to trust the Lord through all of them.

I've been reading a friend of a friend's blog... and it's been really encouraging, and just fun to read about other people's lives. (I know, a bit stalkerish, but facebook is now officially called stalkbook by my small group, so why stop with stalkbook?) Anyways... she is my age and happily married. No kids, but is a homemaker. That is my dream!!! I mean that is what I wanna be "when I grow up." It's so hard to wait on the Lord when you see so many people around you doing what you wanna be doing. I know that I'm not ready to be a wife and a mom. I see the things in my life that God is changing. Ways that HE is preparing me for that. But I keep wanting to ask God why?!?!?!? I wanna know when the man that HE has chosen for me is going to come into my life. I wanna know when I'm going to be ready for him. I wanna know what I'm doing in Lynchburg, when life looks so much better somewhere else. I see my purpose in life... but like one of my previous posts, I know theres more.

It's so hard to wait on God's timing. I don't know how to trust God better. I don't have that down. It's obviously something that God wants me to learn, cause it seems to be an issue in my life. I can trust that my parents are going to be ok in Texas. I can trust that my sister is going to be ok in D-ville. But when it comes to the areas of my life... I'm selfish. I want them in my time and my way. That's not right. That's not how God called us to live. But it's me right now. I've learned the importance of being real with people. I want all the important people in my life to be real with me, and I want to be able to be real with them. This is my place to be real. I suck at life sometimes. I suck at finances, and eating healthy (although this is something I'm currently changing), and spending time with God like I need to.

I want to desire God like I desire a husband. I want to desire spending time with God, like I desire spending time with my friends. There are a lot of things I want in life. I want to be able to know that no matter what happens in my life... God's timing is PERFECT.

Lord,
Help me to trust you and continue to grow me in this. I thank you for what you're doing in my life. I see things that you're changing. Things you're trying to change, but I don't wanna give them up. Thanks for not giving up on me. Thanks for always being there, for knowing my heart and seeing me as your child. I love you!

On a lighter note... I've started walking with my friends... and I used to HATE to exercise, walk, anything like that. So we started with the goal of one day a week. And in the first week, we've gone twice already. It's been great! I can't wait to go again. It's so much easier to do things like that when you have people to talk to.

AND.... My parents are coming into town this week... or at least my hometown... YAY!!!! I CAN"T WAIT to see them. My sister and I are going down Monday night and are spending the day with them Tuesday and coming back that night. They'll drive back to Texas on Thursday. It's going to be a crazy week... but it'll be good.

George the Fish

So I have this fish. His name is George. I actually have 2 fish, one at work (bubbles) and one at home (george).

Today I came home to find that George... had committed suicide. :-(

I was planning on giving him to a friend, cause really, who needs two fish. So I had him in a glass and had his bowl and stuff all cleaned to take to this friend. I meant to take him last night, but I forgot. So I was going to take him tonight, but when I got home... there was this black thing on the floor. I thought... "what did I drop on my way out?" I didn't want to touch it cause it kinda freaked me out. But I tried to pick it up and I couldn't... so I dropped it. That's when I looked up on the table and realized that the glass was empty and it was George on the floor. He jumped out of the glass. It was a sad thing. Who knows how long he had been there.

My fish committed suicide. How sad.

I hope bubbles at work doesn't get any ideas. I don't think I could handle it.

My Job and The Lord

So I'm sitting at my desk... I've got some time to kill before 5. It's so wonderful having an 8-5 job. This week has been an emotional week for me. I know it has to be due to it being my lovely time of the month, but I believe there's more to it. I've got a friend (a guy of course) who has been playing with my emotions but he doesn't know it. I'm a big girl, and I can deal with it (with God's help of course), but it's got me thinking.

I like my job, and I'm thankful for it, but there's got to be something more. My true desire is to be a wife and mother and involved in ministry in some way, but that door hasn't been opened at this time. I'm completely ok with where God has me in life, but I know there's gotta be something more. Kinda like that country song that I hate. There's gotta be something more, more than this... something like that.

I see how the Lord has me where I'm at, and that excites me. But I want more. I know that i"m here to witness to the people in my office. I'm here to work and pay off my debt so that if and when the Lord calls me to move overseas, (like my hearts desire) I'll be ready. But it's so tough. I wanna be serving God full time. And I know that I can be in my job... but again, I know there's more to it. I've just gotta be patient and wait on the Lord's timing. It sucks though.

Oh, and I HATE being a girl. Girls are emotional and analyze EVERYTHING! I love the way God made me, but I wish I could figure things out better. *sigh*

Brooke Fraser - Albertine video

This is my heart... "Now that I have seen, I am responsible, faith without deeds is dead"

Brooke Fraser - Shadowfeet

I love Brooke Fraser. I was introduced t her when I lived in New Zealand. This is from her new CD, which I don't have, but look forward to getting it. She has an amazing voice and heart for God. Plus she's puts on a great concert. I think we could be good friends. I love this video. "You make all things new." "When the World is falling from under me, I'll be found in you"

My Prayer Right Now

My church is having this week of prayer... a time for us to pray for a Harvest Festival that is taking place at the church in a couple of weeks. I'm not generally one to participate in things like this... I don't know why.. I just don't. But one of the girls in my small group signed us up for it tonight. And I didn't have this major revelation. I got more out of our time before the prayer time when we talked about the Bible Study we're going through... but I came upon this prayer that someone wrote in the journal in the prayer room. Now I know, I was supposed to be writing a prayer, not reading others... but it encourages me to see what God is doing in others lives, especially when I can't always see what He's doing in mine... so I read one. And this is what it said....

"Lord - Thank you for being patient with me. I know now that you have been there all along - putting people in my path along the way. I also know now that your Grace and a relationship with you has been what I've been after all my life. Now that I've accepted you, I seek your Grace for both myself and to help others to Find you, Know you, Feel you, and to Experience your Grace! I thank you everyday for all that you do for me, and each day I try to do your will and to bring others to you. You have brought so much peach to my life and my family's life and I am so greatful. I have such plans to bring others to know you, you know what they are and deep down, I know you will reveal your plan when it is right - I just feel so impatient. Please help me to truly understand that when the time is right, you will put all the people, places, and things in place.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. You truly are an amazing God and I am ready for you to use me to reach others."

I have no idea who wrote this prayer.... but this person and I share the same heart. I know that God has a plan for me, I've just got to be patient and allow his will to be done, not mine. I love the part when they say... "I know you will reveal your plan when it is right - I just feel so impatient." THAT IS ME!!!!!

Lord, help me to wait on your plan. I know that your way is the only way I want to go. I know that your will is better than any place I can be. Help me to continue to walk in that path. Sometimes it's so hard to be patient and wait for the desires of my heart to be fulfilled. Help me to lean on you and not look to others for answers. You're the true source of wisdom. Help me ot be a light so that others may see you and your work in my life. And thank you for Megan. I'm really going to miss her Lord. She's been a true blessing in my life. Thanks for that. Keep her strong. May she continue to grow and allow you to work in her life. I love you Lord. Thanks for not giving up on me. Thanks for the new heart that you've given me... I don't know where I'd be without you.

So I guess the prayer time was good. I think I got more out of the reflection time now that during... but that's ok to. God's good like that and gives us what we need, right when we need it.

aerosmith

And on a much lighter note, I went to DC last night and saw Aerosmith in concert. It was so much fun. I had never been to a rock concert before. At least not a non-Christian one. I had some spritual moments happen while I was there, so I'll try to post on that later... but can I just say..

For an older man... who could be my father by the way...
Steven Tyler and Joe Perry are two VERY good looking men.

If you haven't been to a concert like that, check it out... it's the world, so don't expect people to behave like they would in church, but if you can get past your expectations and just enjoy things... it's a lot of fun. Plus it makes for some great stories for when you get older. =-)

small group

I've been going to my small group for 1 year this week. And as I look back on that year, I see areas where I've grown in my relationship with Christ, but I see that some things that I struggled with last year at this time, I'm still struggling with. I hate that! I hate that some things you can just never seem to get/comprehend. It's like how Paul knew to do good but couldn't do it.. or however that verse goes.

Tonight we were reading in Ephesians chapter 2... and I've read this so many times, but tonight it was just what I needed. God's good like that! It talks about before Christ came into our lives, we are dead... NOTHING! It's hard for me to comprehend that... cause I've always been me, you know what I mean? But I've got to look at it in that apart from Christ I am nothing. I guess it's my pride that gets in the way of this...

So get this... here's this nothing person... this person who is full of sin and crap... and things of the world. Is following the ways of Satan... BUT GOD...

• But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so very much, that even while we were dead because of our sins, He gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. - it is by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5 (a mix of NIV and NLT)

So I'm dead, but God is giving me life... I mean I am NOTHING... and He puts VALUE in ME!!!! What is he thinking? Seriously Lord... what are you thinking? I know I'm not to beat up myself, but I don't deserve this. And now on top of that, how is it that I struggle with spending time with God when He's done all this for me? It's like I'm saying thanks for doing this for me, but I'm not going to make time for Him. My friend put it like this tonight... "Think of it as... with all that Christ has done, this is the least that I can do." (I feel like I'm putting it wrong... not the least, but I can't think of how she put it)

And generally I use this excuse that I'm stubborn and don't want to do things out of duty. So that's been my struggle for the past few years... I don't like doing things out of duty, (I'm rebellious like that) so I just don't do these things.

I know that this probably makes no sense, but I see God at work in this area of my life. So now I'm stuck with this choice... do I keep not doing this because I'm stubborn and rebellious, or do I look at what God has done in my life and say... "This is the least I can do for Him"?!?!?!

It is out of His grace and love that I am here and without Him I would be nothing... DEAD. Spending time with God should come out of my response of what He is doing in my life.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, i'm not even sure that it all makes sense to me. I'll probably come back tomorrow and re-read this and have more to say, and if so I'll fix it.

SO I'm going to make some changes. I don't know exactly what they're going to be, but I see them coming. I'm going to be making time for God. Hey... with all that He's done for me, how could I not?

new blog

So this is my first time with this thing... and I'm not really sure how it works, but I've got this friend who blogs and loves it. And I love reading her blog along with some other random ones that I've found... so I say, why not?

I don't know if others will read, and honestly I really don't care... I just think it will be good for me to write about life.

So there's this weird guy that lives with his elderly mom in the apartment below me, and sometimes he's outside the entrance to our building drinking... and today was one of those days... except this time he had some friends. And he likes to talk to me... which I'm not so crazy about... so when I got out of my car, I pretended that I was checking my voice-mail on my cell phone so I wouldn't have to talk to him. I know that I was deceiving him, but he scares me, especially when he's been drinking. I know that the Bible says to love all people, but I don't have to encourage him to talk to me right? This is something I struggle with. I struggle with a lot of things, but that's part of growing up right? I hate how people pretend that they have it all together... when they don't. I don't have it all together.. and I'll be the first person to tell ya, cause hang out with me long enough and you'll see it.

That's all I've got for now. I'm sure more will come later, but for now, I'm tapping out!