I need a change in thinking

I had a girl that was going to work for me over the holidays just as seasonal help. When we hired her she said that she could work "anytime". My instinct said that she wasn't what we were looking for, but I thought I was being too judgmental. We ended up hiring her, but it was a big mistake. She showed up twice, and then just stopped. It started out that there was always something... her child was sick. She was sick. She had to take her daughter to the hospital. Stuff like that. Then she just stopped showing up. By that time I had taken her off the schedule so it wasn't a big deal.
(One of the sad things about this was that I didn't believe her. When you have people working for you, you learn how to read people.)
She finally brought in her keys today (2 months later). She apologized for taking too long (I have been calling her every couple of days for a while now), and claimed that when you've got an abusive husband, it's hard to get away. I didn't know what to say. I just said... "ok, let me get you that number you needed." I walked back to my office and my first reaction was to roll my eyes and judge her. Just because she's been a crappy worker, doesn't mean that she's not being honest about her husband. Where is the ministry that I've been called to? I still think she was probably making up excuses, and I was nice to her, but why is my first reaction to something like that... "liar"?
I don't have the answers to these questions... hopefully insight and change will come soon.

Morning Intentions

This morning was the first time I had spent time with God in some time. I've been in this place where I didn't like things going on around me, but I didn't know how to change. If you read my previous post, you can kinda see the beginnings of this change in my heart.

I had the best plan last night. I got home around 9:45ish, and didn't turn the TV on. (It can always be quite the distraction.) I got ready for bed, determined to be in at 10pm. I had to wash my coffee pot to get it ready for this morning, so I made it around 10:15. I set the alarm for 6am. I really wanted to get up and have my time with God before I came into work. I woke up several times in the night... the last one was right before my first alarm went off. (I set 2 at different times so that I have to get out of bed. Somedays it helps, other days I don't know HOW I get up.) So I turned it off waiting for the 2nd one. By the time that one went off, I was in lala land dreaming of Tina Fey and that we taught school together. (it was a weird dream). So of course... I didn't get up by 6am... more like 7am. UGH!!! So I knew that I would still have time to read my Bible if I hurried with my shower. I turned the news on to see the weather as I was drying my hair... and got my Bible and dug in.

Can I just say that I LOVED it!!! I got so much out of what I read. I even took the time (which made me late for work) to write out the verses on an index card with me so I could look over them throughout the day.

This is a little of what I read.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart:
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the best.
Your barnds with burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline;
don't sulk under his loving correction.
It's the child he loves that God corrects;
a father's delight is behind all this.
Proverbs 3:5-12
From The Message Remix

The beginning of this chapter talks about Love (kindness) and Loyalty. I've got a Life Application Study Bible that had this about these two.
Loyalty and Kindness are important character qualities. Both involve actions as well as attitudes. A loyal person acts responsibly. A kind person works for justice for others. Thoughts and words are not enough - our life reveals whether we are truly loyal and kind.

This was how God spoke to me this morning. It made me excited to get back in the Word. It made me want to MAKE myself get up tomorrow morning NO MATTER WHAT!!! It was good.

It's been forever since I wrote on this thing. If you read this e-mail that I wrote some friends this morning, you'll see why. It kinda shows where I'm at. It's not always easy to write about the bad stuff.

so I've been thinking about how much I don't like my job. just the stress and crap that goes on. the ways that people are treated around the office... stuff like that.
and i've been thinking about how my dream job has always been to be in the ministry. and with where my walk with Christ is right now... I'm in no mindset to be in ministry. so it makes me want to do better... to change my attitude about God and what He's been up to in my life. I've always known that He's at work, but I've wanted nothing to do with it at times.
so needless to say... i've been reminded that if my dream job... life goal is to be in ministry in some way... I've got to be preparing for it where i'm at right now. I do want to get out of this job... i don't know when... but eventually. and if i want my next job to be doing ministry... i've got to get right with Christ. (i feel like i'm saying something that my aunt would say and she's very legalistic.) BUT... I know that what i've been going through is a time of growth... something that i've needed to go through to see how much i really need CHRIST. and it's a choice of mine to allow myself to stay here... or I can move.... closer to Christ preferably...
That's where I'm at. Just wanted to share!
Thanks for listening.

Trusting the Lord

Sometimes it is so hard for me to trust the Lord. Actually, as I'm writing this... I see that this is something I struggle with. I was going to say that it varies with different issues in life, but as I looked at the different issues in my life... I'm struggling to trust the Lord through all of them.

I've been reading a friend of a friend's blog... and it's been really encouraging, and just fun to read about other people's lives. (I know, a bit stalkerish, but facebook is now officially called stalkbook by my small group, so why stop with stalkbook?) Anyways... she is my age and happily married. No kids, but is a homemaker. That is my dream!!! I mean that is what I wanna be "when I grow up." It's so hard to wait on the Lord when you see so many people around you doing what you wanna be doing. I know that I'm not ready to be a wife and a mom. I see the things in my life that God is changing. Ways that HE is preparing me for that. But I keep wanting to ask God why?!?!?!? I wanna know when the man that HE has chosen for me is going to come into my life. I wanna know when I'm going to be ready for him. I wanna know what I'm doing in Lynchburg, when life looks so much better somewhere else. I see my purpose in life... but like one of my previous posts, I know theres more.

It's so hard to wait on God's timing. I don't know how to trust God better. I don't have that down. It's obviously something that God wants me to learn, cause it seems to be an issue in my life. I can trust that my parents are going to be ok in Texas. I can trust that my sister is going to be ok in D-ville. But when it comes to the areas of my life... I'm selfish. I want them in my time and my way. That's not right. That's not how God called us to live. But it's me right now. I've learned the importance of being real with people. I want all the important people in my life to be real with me, and I want to be able to be real with them. This is my place to be real. I suck at life sometimes. I suck at finances, and eating healthy (although this is something I'm currently changing), and spending time with God like I need to.

I want to desire God like I desire a husband. I want to desire spending time with God, like I desire spending time with my friends. There are a lot of things I want in life. I want to be able to know that no matter what happens in my life... God's timing is PERFECT.

Lord,
Help me to trust you and continue to grow me in this. I thank you for what you're doing in my life. I see things that you're changing. Things you're trying to change, but I don't wanna give them up. Thanks for not giving up on me. Thanks for always being there, for knowing my heart and seeing me as your child. I love you!

On a lighter note... I've started walking with my friends... and I used to HATE to exercise, walk, anything like that. So we started with the goal of one day a week. And in the first week, we've gone twice already. It's been great! I can't wait to go again. It's so much easier to do things like that when you have people to talk to.

AND.... My parents are coming into town this week... or at least my hometown... YAY!!!! I CAN"T WAIT to see them. My sister and I are going down Monday night and are spending the day with them Tuesday and coming back that night. They'll drive back to Texas on Thursday. It's going to be a crazy week... but it'll be good.