what happened?!?!?!

I've been enjoying my day today. I made a new worship mix and have really been enjoying it. Church this morning was ok. I went back to a church that I used to go to, it was weird being back, but I enjoyed knowing people. It's so hard to go by yourself to visit churches. I've been wanting to check out a couple of different ones, but I always chicken out. Today though, my friend Megan and I decided to go visit one of those churches together next week. It's nice to know that she'll go with me. All the church stuff aside, I've really enjoyed my time with God this evening. I've been asking Him so really hard questions. Not necessarily getting any answers, but He's there, listening.

So as I was going through this, I remembered a conversation I had with a co-worker a few weeks ago. We were talking about church, and different denominations, and stuff. And we were talking about spiritual gifts and stuff. And I remembered one time when I was praying for a certain gift. It was when I was living as a missionary in New Zealand which has been over 3 years ago now. And I was living the life of ministry. And now that I'm back in America, I've lost that desire. I know it's still there, but I feel that I'm caught up in work and my career, that I've lost my heart of ministry. And it's still there, but it's not glowing right now... and I HATE that.

I know that I've gone through some major transitions this past year, but where is that heart? What happened to it? I can't blame my parents moving to Texas. I can't blame my strong desire to move there myself. I can't blame my dis-satisfaction with life. But I'm not sure where it is. It's in me... It's gotta be. I've pushed it aside and let my desires fill that spot I think. I HATE that! I want to be back in New Zealand exploring that life of ministry. I want to be in Texas with my family. I want to be doing ministry full time. I want... I want... I want to change this. I'm not sure how, but I need it. I need to see that heart. I need to get back to when I desired these things. How could I have forgotten those desires for certain gifts?