small group

I've been going to my small group for 1 year this week. And as I look back on that year, I see areas where I've grown in my relationship with Christ, but I see that some things that I struggled with last year at this time, I'm still struggling with. I hate that! I hate that some things you can just never seem to get/comprehend. It's like how Paul knew to do good but couldn't do it.. or however that verse goes.

Tonight we were reading in Ephesians chapter 2... and I've read this so many times, but tonight it was just what I needed. God's good like that! It talks about before Christ came into our lives, we are dead... NOTHING! It's hard for me to comprehend that... cause I've always been me, you know what I mean? But I've got to look at it in that apart from Christ I am nothing. I guess it's my pride that gets in the way of this...

So get this... here's this nothing person... this person who is full of sin and crap... and things of the world. Is following the ways of Satan... BUT GOD...

• But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so very much, that even while we were dead because of our sins, He gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. - it is by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5 (a mix of NIV and NLT)

So I'm dead, but God is giving me life... I mean I am NOTHING... and He puts VALUE in ME!!!! What is he thinking? Seriously Lord... what are you thinking? I know I'm not to beat up myself, but I don't deserve this. And now on top of that, how is it that I struggle with spending time with God when He's done all this for me? It's like I'm saying thanks for doing this for me, but I'm not going to make time for Him. My friend put it like this tonight... "Think of it as... with all that Christ has done, this is the least that I can do." (I feel like I'm putting it wrong... not the least, but I can't think of how she put it)

And generally I use this excuse that I'm stubborn and don't want to do things out of duty. So that's been my struggle for the past few years... I don't like doing things out of duty, (I'm rebellious like that) so I just don't do these things.

I know that this probably makes no sense, but I see God at work in this area of my life. So now I'm stuck with this choice... do I keep not doing this because I'm stubborn and rebellious, or do I look at what God has done in my life and say... "This is the least I can do for Him"?!?!?!

It is out of His grace and love that I am here and without Him I would be nothing... DEAD. Spending time with God should come out of my response of what He is doing in my life.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, i'm not even sure that it all makes sense to me. I'll probably come back tomorrow and re-read this and have more to say, and if so I'll fix it.

SO I'm going to make some changes. I don't know exactly what they're going to be, but I see them coming. I'm going to be making time for God. Hey... with all that He's done for me, how could I not?